By Jonathan Anthony Burkett
Neglect is often described as the absence of something: care, attention, protection or comfort that a child needed and did not receive. Because it is about what did not happen, many adults who were neglected as children struggle to name it. Yet those missing pieces can shape how a person thinks, feels and connects with others for years afterward.
What Childhood Neglect Can Look Like
Neglect is not always obvious. It can be physical, such as not having enough food, safe shelter, clean clothes or medical care. It can also be emotional: a child whose feelings were ignored, who was rarely comforted or who felt invisible in their own home.
Some children were neglected because a parent was struggling with illness, addiction, poverty or their own unhealed pain. Understanding the reasons can bring compassion, but it does not erase the impact on the child. Both things can be true at once.
Neglect can also be inconsistent. A parent might be warm one week and absent the next, or meet physical needs while ignoring emotional ones. Children in these homes often grow up unsure of what to expect, and that uncertainty can follow them into adulthood. Recognizing this is not about assigning blame. It is about understanding yourself more clearly.
"You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, but not what I've been through."
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated
Common Patterns in Adulthood
Every person's story is different, and not everyone who experienced neglect will recognize all of these. Still, many adults who grew up without consistent care notice some familiar patterns:
- Extreme self-reliance. If no one showed up when you needed help, you may have learned to never ask for it.
- Difficulty naming feelings. When emotions were never acknowledged, it can be hard to know what you feel or what you need.
- People-pleasing. Some people learned that being easy, helpful or quiet was the safest way to get any attention at all.
- Low sense of worth. A child who was overlooked may grow into an adult who quietly believes they do not matter.
- Trouble trusting closeness. Relationships can feel either too risky or something to hold onto too tightly.
These patterns are not character flaws. They are adaptations: clever ways a young person found to survive in an environment that did not meet their needs.
Why These Patterns Made Sense
It helps to look at your habits with curiosity instead of shame. If you rarely ask for help, that habit may once have protected you from disappointment. If you stay quiet in conflict, that may have once kept a tense home calmer.
The challenge is that strategies which helped a child survive can get in the way of an adult who wants to thrive. Recognizing where a pattern came from is often the first step in deciding whether you still need it.
For Jonathan, one result is a firm refusal to be a follower. He grew up around drugs, fights and street life, and he writes that he always said no, “because I never wanted to be a follower.” Another is a line he never crossed: no matter how angry he was, he would not take it out on someone innocent, because he believed that would make him weak. There is a softer side too. As a teenager, he kept going back to a girlfriend who called him crying, because he “hated seeing and hearing another person cry.”
The Strengths That Can Grow Too
Talking about neglect only in terms of damage misses part of the picture. Many people who grew up with hardship also develop real strengths: resourcefulness, empathy for others who are struggling, a strong work ethic and a deep determination to build something better.
Jonathan Anthony Burkett was raised in Jamaica by his grandparents and faced economic hardship and serious health challenges from childhood. He found his voice in reading and writing and later told his own story in his memoir, Neglected But Undefeated. His message is a simple one: what you have been through does not have to define where you are going.
Breaking the Cycle
One of the most hopeful truths about neglect is that it does not have to be passed down. Adults who were neglected can become attentive, loving parents, partners and friends, often precisely because they know what it feels like to go without.
Breaking the cycle usually involves learning skills you were never taught: noticing and naming emotions, setting healthy boundaries, asking for support and offering consistent care to the people in your life. Trauma-informed therapists, support groups and trusted mentors can all help with this work. You do not have to figure it out alone.
Where to Turn
If reading about this stirs up difficult memories, be gentle with yourself. Take a break, breathe and reach out to someone you trust. If you are ever in crisis, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
And if you are worried about a child right now, please do not wait.
If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.
Your Story Is Still Being Written
Growing up neglected can leave marks, but it does not get the final word. Every time you treat yourself with patience, ask for help or offer someone the care you once needed, you are writing a different ending.
To read more about Jonathan's journey from hardship to hope, visit his books page.
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