By Jonathan Anthony Burkett
Divorce can feel like the floor has dropped out from under you. Even when it was the right decision, you may be grieving the life you planned, the routines you shared and the version of yourself you were inside that marriage. Healing does not happen all at once, but it does happen, and it usually starts with a few small, deliberate steps.
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
A divorce is a real loss, and loss deserves grief. You may feel sadness one day, relief the next and anger the day after that. Sometimes you will feel all three before lunch. None of this means you are doing it wrong.
Trying to skip straight to "I'm fine" often backfires. Feelings you push down tend to come back louder, usually at inconvenient moments. Let yourself name what you feel, whether that is in a journal, out loud on a long walk or in a conversation with someone you trust.
It also helps to remember that grief is not a straight line. You may have a good week followed by a hard day triggered by a song, an anniversary or a photo on your phone. That is normal, and it does not erase your progress.
Take Care of the Basics First
When your emotions are heavy, the simplest things matter most. Sleep, food, water and movement are not glamorous, but they are the foundation everything else stands on. A tired, hungry, isolated person has a much harder time making clear decisions.
In the first weeks and months, focus on a short daily list of essentials:
- Go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time each day.
- Eat regular meals, even simple ones.
- Get outside or move your body for at least a few minutes.
- Reach out to at least one supportive person.
- Write down one thing you handled well today, however small.
These steps will not fix everything, but they give your days a shape again. Structure is calming when the bigger picture still feels uncertain.
Get Clear, Reliable Help With the Practical Side
Divorce comes with paperwork, money questions and, for many families, decisions about children and property. These details can feel overwhelming, and it is tempting to either avoid them or make quick decisions just to be done.
Try not to rely on advice from friends, social media or someone else's divorce story. Every situation and every state is different. A qualified family lawyer or a trained mediator can explain your options and help you understand what applies to you. This article is general information and support, not legal advice.
It may also help to keep one folder, paper or digital, for every document and note related to the divorce. When you know where things are, the process feels a little less chaotic.
Build a Circle of Support
Many people pull away from others after a divorce. They feel embarrassed, tired of explaining or worried about being a burden. Isolation, though, tends to make everything heavier.
Your support circle does not have to be large. One or two people who listen without taking sides and without pushing you to "move on" can make a real difference. A counselor or therapist can also help you sort through what happened and what you want next. Divorce support groups, often offered through community centers or faith communities, let you hear from people who understand from the inside.
If you ever feel hopeless or have thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out right away. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at any time.
Let Go of Anger at Your Own Pace
Anger after a divorce is understandable. You may feel betrayed, disrespected or simply worn out. But carrying that anger for years usually costs you more than it costs anyone else.
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond who you were."
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated
Forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened, excusing harmful behavior or getting back together. It means slowly deciding that the past will not control your future. For some people that takes months; for others, years. Both are fine. The goal is growth, not a deadline.
Start Imagining the Next Chapter
Once the first wave of grief eases, you may notice small sparks of curiosity. What do you actually enjoy? What did you set aside during the marriage? Is there a class, hobby, friendship or goal that you want to return to?
You do not need a full plan. Pick one small thing that belongs only to you and try it. Rearrange a room, cook a new recipe, join a walking group, finish a book you started years ago. Each small choice reminds you that your life is still yours to shape.
Be patient with dating, too. There is no rule about when you should or should not start again. The best time is when you are moving toward something good, not running away from loneliness.
Jonathan learned this young. When his first love ended their relationship over the phone one night, he spoke to God and gave thanks anyway before he broke down crying. Years later he found out the breakup had started with a false rumor, and he still calls her his first love. One of the quotes in his memoir puts it simply: “It’s so simple to fall in love but it’s such a struggle to find true love.”
One Step Today
Healing after divorce is not about getting back to who you were. It is about becoming someone stronger, wiser and kinder to yourself. Start with one step today: rest, reach out to someone or simply write down what you need right now.
If stories about love, friendship and second chances help you think through your own, take a look at Jonathan Anthony Burkett's books, including the Friends 2 Lovers series.
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