By Jonathan Anthony Burkett

Many adults spend years feeling that something is missing without knowing what to call it. They may be capable, hard-working and dependable on the outside, while quietly feeling empty, unworthy or alone. For people who grew up with childhood neglect, healing often starts with a surprising realization: the needs you had as a child were real, and it is not too late to meet them.

Acknowledge What Happened

Neglect can be hard to recognize because it is about what was missing, not what was done. You might tell yourself, "Other people had it worse," or "At least I had a roof over my head." Those comparisons can keep you from taking your own experience seriously.

Acknowledging neglect does not require blaming or hating anyone. It simply means being honest: you needed care, attention or protection, and you did not get enough of it. That honesty is the ground healing grows from.

For Jonathan, one turning point came in a courtroom. As a teenager, overwhelmed, he told a judge to lock him up for life because he hated his life. The judge didn't believe the accusations against him and said instead, “You need some serious help, Jonathan,” and ordered therapy and anger management. In the years that followed, therapists and doctors kept telling him the same thing: he was holding too much anger and pain inside and needed to let it out. That advice later became the reason he wrote his memoir.

Learn to Notice Your Feelings and Needs

If your feelings were rarely noticed as a child, you may have learned to tune them out. As an adult, that can show up as numbness, sudden overwhelm or confusion about what you actually want.

Start small. A few times a day, pause and ask yourself two questions: "What am I feeling right now?" and "What do I need?" The answers might be simple, such as tired, hungry, lonely or in need of a break. Over time, this practice helps you reconnect with signals you once had to ignore.

Some people find it helpful to keep a simple feelings journal or use a list of emotion words to put a name to what is happening inside. Naming a feeling does not mean you have to act on it or fix it immediately. It simply means you are paying attention to yourself in a way that may not have happened when you were young.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

There is no single path, but many people find these steps helpful:

1. Find a trauma-informed therapist. A therapist who understands childhood neglect can help you make sense of old patterns safely and at your own pace.
2. Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself the way a kind, patient caregiver would talk to a child.
3. Build safe relationships. Look for people who are consistent, respectful and willing to show up.
4. Set boundaries. Saying no to what drains you makes room for what helps you heal.
5. Care for your body. Regular sleep, meals, movement and medical checkups are acts of care you may not have received growing up.
6. Celebrate small progress. Healing is gradual. Notice each step forward.

Give Yourself What You Missed

Some people describe part of this healing as "reparenting": slowly offering yourself the attention, structure and kindness you lacked. That could mean keeping a regular routine, cooking a nourishing meal for yourself, celebrating your birthday, or speaking up when something is not okay.

It might feel awkward at first, even silly. Keep going. Each small act sends a message that has been missing for a long time: you matter, and your needs count.

Be patient with setbacks. Old patterns tend to return during stressful times, such as a breakup, a job loss or the holidays. Slipping back into people-pleasing or isolation does not mean you have failed. It means you are human, and it gives you another chance to practice responding to yourself with kindness instead of criticism.

"I know that I have made it through trials, so now let me see if I can make it through challenges."
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated

Relationships and Family

Healing can raise hard questions about your relationship with the people who raised you. Some adults choose to reconnect, some set firm limits and some step back entirely for their own wellbeing. There is no single right answer, and your choice can change over time.

What matters is that your decisions protect your peace and your growth. A therapist or trusted mentor can help you think through options without pressure. If you are a parent now, this is also a chance to give your own children the care you longed for, which can be deeply healing in itself.

When Things Feel Heavy

Working through old pain can bring up strong emotions. That is a normal part of the process, but you should not carry it alone. Lean on your support system, and slow down when you need to. If you ever feel hopeless or think about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

If you are aware of a child who is being neglected now, please speak up.

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.

You Are Not Defined by What You Lacked

Childhood neglect can shape you, but it does not have to define you. Healing is not about pretending the past did not hurt; it is about building a present where you are seen, cared for and free to grow.

For encouraging words on faith, forgiveness and resilience, browse Jonathan Anthony Burkett's quotes.

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