By Jonathan Anthony Burkett
Through the hardest years of my childhood, two little boys gave me reasons to keep going. They were my brothers. I was not always allowed near them, and we were not treated the same at home, but I decided early that I would love them no matter what. They loved me back in ways that kept me alive.
Two little brothers
My two little brothers were born while I was still in elementary school in South Florida.
At first my mother would not let me get close to the baby. She called me "evil" and said she did not want it to rub off on him. Even so, every morning before school I looked into her room and smiled at my two little brothers, though I could not go near them unless a parent was around.
At home I lived with neglect and abuse. My brothers did not. My mother never treated them the way she treated me. Even as a child, I did not want them to go through what I was going through.
If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.
Caring for them
As they got a little older, I was expected to feed my brothers, change their diapers and put them to sleep. I loved taking care of them, even though part of me wished I could just be a child with toys and friends of my own.
In my book I wrote that at home, my little brothers were “the only highlights of each day.” The only time I smiled there was when their father took pictures of the three of us together.
Later, to keep myself safe at night, I started having my little brothers sleep in my room. They made me laugh, too. One day they threw cold water on me, ran off and locked themselves in their mother’s bedroom until she got home. I laughed every time I remembered it.
The night my little brother woke up
I want to share one night honestly, because it might help someone. After a terrible evening at home, I felt so unloved and hated that I had suicidal thoughts. For hours I asked God why I was even here.
What stopped me was thinking of my brothers. Then one of them, still very small, woke up and asked me to take him to the bathroom. I took care of him and sat with him until he fell back asleep. That simple need, a little boy who wanted his big brother, pulled me back.
If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.). You do not have to wait until it gets worse. Reaching out is strength.
Not long after, I made a decision I wrote in my book: “No matter how she treated me, or what obstacles were placed in front of me, I was determined to give unconditional love to my brothers.”
They sneaked me in
As a teenager I was kicked out of the house again and again. I slept in parks, on friends’ couches and on the streets. My brothers did what they could. When our mother was not home, they sneaked me into the house so I could shower and eat. Whenever they could, they gave me a roof over my head and a bed for the night.
They always told me they did not want me to kill myself. In my acknowledgments I wrote that they have given me “another reason to stay here and live a life on earth and achieve success in my lifetime.”
I also made choices to protect their home. When there were serious complaints against our mother, I did not want my brothers to lose her. I told a state worker, “I’m not scared. I just don’t want my brothers to lose their mother,” and I promised myself I would not pursue complaints unless she began treating them the way she had treated me.
Brothers no matter what
When I wrote my book, my brothers were the main reason I visited my mother’s house. I wrote these words for them: “No matter what, we will always love one another, and be there for one another.”
If you are an older sibling in a hard home, here is what I learned:
- Your love counts. A big brother or sister can be a safe place for a younger child.
- It is not your job to fix the adults. Protect yourself, and tell a trusted adult what is happening.
- Do not resent them for being treated differently. It is not their fault.
- Let them love you back. Sometimes the little ones are the ones who save you.
And if you are the younger sibling who sees a brother or sister being treated badly, your kindness matters more than you know. A shower, a meal or simply telling them you want them around can change everything.
Keep reading
My brothers are woven all through my story. If you want to read more about them and everything we lived through, you can find my memoir Neglected But Undefeated on the Books page. And today, if you have a brother or sister, send them a message to tell them you love them.
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